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I’m arriving unprepared to the blog this week. The past 2 weeks have consisted of the physical act of moving, deep cleaning, working my day job, and visiting with my in-laws. I have not had the time nor comfort I require to sit and write and muse. There also hasn’t been a minute to spare for editing any photos/videos of my daily doings into anything shorter or more interesting than me cleaning a wall for 60 minutes straight (an extremely dirty wall).  But for the sake of being a consistent and resolute blogger, I’m showing up even without the formality of a well-thought and tended post. I’m just stream of consciousness writing a bit here. And what I’m feeling drawn to writing about right this second is *~manifestation~*.

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I should start by admitting I read an alarming amount of self-transformation, psychology, creative process, and otherwise-type-books for such an un-evolved and quite frankly, resistant, person. The quest to make sense and gain understanding of this world, this life, this self is a punishing and unrelenting one that I reluctantly, yet continually, revisit upon waking every morning. Everytime I read a book, say a prayer, and open my eyes, I’m bringing the same questions along, and I have a lot of questions. So far, either no one can answer them or I’m not paying close enough attention, maybe a little of both. At this point, I wonder if I’m keeping myself from total evolution of the soul just to hold onto something to work towards. They say transformation happens in an instant, but I’m scared. That being so, I often get lost in the focus of making sense of my flesh and bone personhood, leading me down many rabbit holes that compel/propel me towards pondering the human experience quite a bit.

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And I’m so panicked over all of it. Every last thing in the world feels like it must be attended to immediately! There is so little time, so many possibilities! When I start feeling the panic acutely, I must reset my sights on the state of awe and fascination I have with this earthly realm and all of the physical, material wonders and opportunities we get to experience here. I think, despite the disappointment, loss, frustration, and pain, there is a lot of interesting alchemy that we can play with in our lives; manifestation being one of those supernatural things. I don’t understand manifestation and have been unable to consistently replicate success with it, but I know it works at least some of the time and that’s the best information I have. When I treat my life, my words, my actions, my days, as spells, I feel like I am delicately steering my life without fighting for the control I desperately wish I actually possessed.

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When I feel out of control, dread, anxiety, sadness, disappointment, annoyance, and frustration become my default. Because the most devastating truth of life is that we are not in control, I have suffered many of my adult years thus far in close companionship with these emotions. I spent endless amounts of time thinking and acquainting myself with the chatter in my head, and because I thought a lot about what I wanted, how I desired things to be, what my dream life looked like, I assumed I was putting in all the work I could, since “we aren’t in control” an all. I didn’t understand the whole truth at that point: while yes, it is true we mere humans are not in control in a grand sweeping sort of way, we are in control of the minutia, which is where the sweeping arcs of life are laid. I have had such little faith in the mystery of life! I’ve since begun to learn that a curiosity towards the mystery can soothe where a need for control builds unease. I had confused wishing and hoping for *~manifestation~*, and mixed up thought spiraling with effort and action.

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Where manifestation is most efficient is in the daily practices that make up our lives. There is magic in how we approach our days, our rituals. When I focus my intentions on the hour, day, week in front of me, rather than the sweeping arc of my life, I can cozy up to the comfort of control while also remaining open about where things are going, how things are unraveling, and allow my life to take shape without needing to force it in one direction or towards one outcome. Needing control hardens us to life, people, and the world around us. This life was meant to be lived through soft eyes. I of course still find myself wrapped up in a shell of anxiety and frustration, sometimes daily, usually when I begin to feel out of control. When I can manage to take a second to remember my own agency, I get a thrill. I will never have control over everything/everyone else, but I do have control over my approach, and that is enough to get by moment to moment.

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Sometimes I need to take an additional pause to remember I’ve never received anything I wanted by focusing on how it feels to not have it. I can feel myself wanting so much. I want so much for me, my life, my world, my family. And I do believe we deserve it all, if only because I can’t think of a good enough reason for why we shouldn’t have all of our hearts desires. While knowing our desires is good information about ourselves, beyond that, it just isn’t useful. I should say: I don’t believe letting go of our desires is necessarily the key to life – mostly because this is a lucious, material world made for experiencing, giving, and receiving. But I do believe that when we center our desires, we tend to attach ourselves to them, deeply embedding our lives in and around them,  and thus leave no room for the mystery that actually moves our lives. When we insist that life, which is inherently fluid, conforms to the rigidity of our control, it sets us into deep trenches of frustration when things don’t happen according to plan! It recently dawned on me that I could save myself a lot of strife if I just gave up the ghost of control; when I obsess over my desires, I basically inadvertently suffocate them to death.

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So back to the manifesting angle- the entire premise revolves around getting what you want. The point I’m really trying to make is that I haven’t once ever received the things I want through laser-focus obsession or fretting over the perfect approach. That isn’t to say that formulating a plan, working on it, and remaining on task have not benefited me. The difference between obsessing over the result and obsessing over the process is what I am trying to make apparent. It’s really hard for me and has required a total devotion to seeing the world through softer eyes and pivoting towards a life of progress over perfection. 

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As things unfold, or don’t, I’m both exasperated when things don’t go my way, and also grateful for the nuggets of information that the subsequent meandering of my life hands out. There is a part of me that knows that every bout of annoyance, frustration, discontent, and otherwise is just an opportunity to reroute towards those future delights that I can’t even begin to comprehend here and now. So many paragraphs later, the secret to manifesting here lies: the secret is to dream up the life you want, devote your daily rituals towards it, reroute many times, end up somewhere different, and realize that what you thought you wanted, was not what you needed, and really at this point many years later is not what you want anyway and poof! You are exactly where you need to be.

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